i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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