I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
