if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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