'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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