oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
