Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
