I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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