I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
