The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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