if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
