I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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