Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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