His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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