I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
