I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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