We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i out mim tonsoeep
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