Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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