Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
and she was petting her beer can
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
