Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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