The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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