There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want her autograph on my taint
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This is classic penis vs brain.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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