Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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