hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
