my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
As shirtless as possible
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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