I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize