THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
