Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Drunk is a universal language darling
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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