woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
