I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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