fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
