Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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