Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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