so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
