im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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