Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
two words...techno handjob
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
