I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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