There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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