yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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