If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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