Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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