Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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