Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
