I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
