Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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