So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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