I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
