This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
