I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
