He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
