i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
