you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
