True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize