It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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