we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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