is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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