I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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