my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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