so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
